- With all the advancements in technology, you think they would have improved on the shower. But no, sentient slave water is the best we can do.
- You can try all the expensive waxes you like, but nothing beats star lard for styling your mustache.
- This Andromedian Milfoil is getting out of control.
- Universal healthcare is a joke. Why am I paying the medical costs for some bum in the Small Magellanic Cloud?
- You may think being “King of Planet ____” if a big deal, but they’re little more than a bathroom attendant to the Mustache Rangers. Except we don’t tip kings.
- Can’t sleep. Wish the Commander Major hadn’t stored his giant truck full of ventriloquist dummies in my room. And I wish that trunk were not bleeding and pulsating.
Important Letters from an Important Commander Major: Sandwich
Dear Lucille,
Today was one of the more challenging days I’d had in quite some time. It seemed like I was getting it from all sides. Nothing I said or did could make anything better to anyone. No one was happy with me. Especially Phooneybaum, and even more especially, Computer. And even more especially than that, the especialliest, was myself. How was I to know that Phooneybaum had special plans for dinner? And how was I to know that the sandwich I made was going to turn out to be way better than the meal of turnips au poive he fussed over for 3 hours. He made it as a surprise, but didn’t tell me so of course I was going to make a sandwich. When you’re hungry, you’re hungry. I shouldn’t be punished for being hungry, should I? Well, I guess I punish people for being hungry. But I’m the Commander Major! That’s my job. My job is not to be punished for hunger. I don’t keep track of my hours of being punished for being hungry and expect to be paid for those hours. That’s ridiculous. And so is Phooneybaum. I changed my mind, I am not NOT happy with myself. I think I deserve another sandwich.
With some love,
THE Commander Major
Guests on Drinking with Ian
Now that this site is wide enough to display videos, we give you our interview and performance on Minnesota’s own talk show, Drinking with Ian. Enjoy!
Computer-pedia: Horse
The horse (animalus overratedus) is a thing with four legs and a head and a tail. It was invented in 5000 BCE by this guy that was real lonely and needed a friend. So he invented a horse, but he gave it too many legs and it ran away. He was real sad, so he made another horse but he put stripes on it so it would know it was his prisoner. That is how the zebra was invented. The zebra kicked him and killed him and then ran away.
Guys figured out how to climb trees in 4001 BCE, and by 4000 BCE they were jumping from trees on to horses. So the horses agreed not to be jerks anymore if people would stop jumping on them. The guys agreed, but kept jumping on horses. The jerk role had switched to guys instead of horses, and guymanity was on its way to greatness.
Guys eventually forgot how smart horses were, and started to use them mainly for jumping into pools from diving boards. One horse, named Clever Hans, knew how to do arithmetic. But when guys figured this out, the other horses were all like “dude, stop doing maths.” Then scientist guys said Hans was stupid and horses were free to get brushed and eat apples and sugar cubes.
Rocket horses eventually replaced the regular horse. Regular horses were made into rocket horse food.
Zebras are still on the lam.
(Photo by falcon1961)
Phooneybaum Phoughts: Space-Time 1.34.52.00.0.2
- Like the homes of childhood friends, every modern day space ship has a different smell to it. Except for ours. Our smells normal and all the others smell weird. What are their moms cooking?
- Found a cape on the kitchen floor this morning. Feel the Commander Major wants to be found out and confronted about his obsession, but not ready to have that conversation.
- Had that dream about pigeons pecking out my eyes again, except that my eyes were trumpets and the pigeons were Dizzy Gillespie. I think I’m sexually frustrated.
- Nothing worse than a pie in the laundry dryer. Cleaning the lint trap is hell.
- Sometimes I get lonely, but I feel better by realizing that everything everywhere is lonely. Especially trees that aren’t in a forest with their buddies.
- It gets confusing when I say “I’m going for a Space Wok.” Space Wok, please change the name of your establishment.
New Design, New Developments
Welcome to the freshly redesigned Mustache Rangers website. Seriously. Welcome. Look in our eyes! Welcome! We mean it.
There are a few reasons for this reason. The first the lack of regular blog content. Sure, the podcast updates every Monday. But every post that came after that would push the current podcast episode down the page. Not any more! Expect more non-podcast fun on the site.
The second is space. As you can see, the site is much wider now. Just the right size for…video? That’s right. The Mustache Rangers and some local film makers are working on bringing the Mustache Rangers to the future of eye-looking-at media. We’ll keep you posted on developments as they come.
Third, it looks pretty awesome. Doesn’t it? It’s like we moved from the 1920s to the 1940s. Futuristic!
Fourthly, functionality. For example, look! There is a working archives page where you can listen to any past podcast! And in the upper right hand corner of the site? A search field that works! What did you do to deserve all of this?
And lastly, we’re dropping a bit of the facade. Sure, it was fun to pretend that we were actually the Mustache Rangers. But it’s awfully hard to promote yourself and your work when you’re being coy. So, the new ABOUT page will give some real information on who we are and what we do.
So yell it from the mountains. The Mustache Rangers are better than ever! Probably!
Ima Computer
In general, it is a terrible idea to change computers. This is because you need to move a lot of bits. And sometimes these bits do not feel like moving.
This week’s podcast is set for consumption, but with no current way to bring it to the internet. This will be fixed for next week. We apologize for the lack of joy we are bringing to you. Hopefully this will be the last of it.
Holiday Apologies
The holidays have really given the Mustache Rangers podcast schedule a beating. The podcast will return next week. Please accept our space apologies.
The Mustache Rangers Live on Video
It has come to our attention that some people have never seen the Mustache Rangers perform live. And so, here you are. A live performance to show what you are missing. Feel free to share it with all of your friends. And keep an eye on the live performance page for upcoming Mustache Rangers performances.
The Mustache Rangers: Live at Improv at Go-Go from Aric McKeown on Vimeo.
Drinking with Ian
The Mustache Rangers will be interviewed and perform on the taping of Drinking with Ian this Friday at First Ave. in downtown Minneapolis at 8pm. You should come! There will be drinking!
Twin Cities Improv Festival 3 is Here!
It’s that time of the year again. Time to turn your eyes towards the Brave New Workshop. It’s time for the third annual Twin Cities Improv Festival.
That is correct. The Twin Cities Improv Festival starts this evening and runs through Sunday, June 28th (when the Mustache Rangers perform live for your enjoyment).
So cancel your plans, or make the plans you never had, and make your way to the Twin Cities Improv Festival.
Improv, iTunes, and the Wiki
Announcement number one! The Mustache Rangers will be performing at the Twin Cities Improv Festival on June 28th. Check out the website for tickets and information on the plethora of other improv artists performing at the festival.
Announcement number two! It isn’t really an announcement. We just wanted to bug you some more about rating the Mustache Rangers podcast on iTunes. So why aren’t you doing that already? Are you scared? Do you not have two minutes? If you didn’t have two minutes, you wouldn’t even be here. So go there.
Announcement number three! There is now a Mustache Rangers Wiki where you can find and add information about the Mustache Rangers and their adventures. Take care of the Wiki and it will take care of you.
Announcement number four! We love you. As a friend.
That is all.
Chicago Improv Festival
The Mustache Rangers will be performing in Chicago this Saturday as part of the Chicago Improv Festival. We understand that this means most fans will be unable to attend the performance
But we also understand that this means some fans in the Chicago area WILL be able to attend. So here are your details!
The Mustache Rangers will be performing at the Annoyance Theater on Saturday, April 18th at midnight. For those of you who this confuses, just pretend the show starts at 11:59pm on April 18th. Now you aren’t confused.
Tickets are $10, and the Mustache Rangers would be overjoyed to see you there.
And if not you, then your friend that live in Chicago. You know, the friends that you are going to tell to see the Mustache Rangers. They’re almost as good as you. But we won’t tell them that.
A Mustache Rangers Live Performance and Free T-Shirts
The Mustache Rangers will performing LIVE this coming Monday, April 13th at the Bryant-Lake Bowl as guests of the fantastic Splendid Things improv group. It promises to be a fantastic and exciting show for all to see.
But if the promise of fantasticism isn’t enough for you, then maybe a raffle of the few remaining Doc Johnson’s Olde Tyme Elixir t-shirts will peak your interest. That’s right, the last pristine Mustache Rangers t-shirts in existence will be raffled off at the Monday night Splendid Things improv show. Now you certainly have enough reasons to come.
You should also buy your tickets RIGHT NOW! Advance tickets are only $6 if you buy them at the following address before Sunday (4/12) at 11:59PM: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/58996.
You can also call the Bryant-Lake Bowl box office at 612-825-8949 for advance tickets.
Day-of tickets are $10. That’s almost (exactly) $4 dollars more for being lazy. Don’t be lazy!
Doors open at 7PM. The show starts at 8PM. Drinks and dinner are available in the theater before and during the show.
So come, laugh, and get ready to possibly win a t-shirt! Even if you lose, you win! With entertainment!
Where to Find the Mustache Rangers
The Mustache Rangers are having a very big year, and want to make certain you are connected to all the bigness that is going on. This here is a handy guide to keep you updated.
The Mustache Rangers have a mountain full of live performances coming up this year, and there are many places you can find out about it. One option is to look towards the right sidebar of this very website. There you will find a Google Calendar that lists all of the upcoming Mustache Rangers shows. You can even use it to add reminders to your own Google Calendar. It is futuristic and beautiful.
The second option is to click on the live link at the top of the Mustache Rangers website. There you will find another list, but not as futuristic and debatably less beautiful.
Finally, if you are a Facebook user, you can sign up for the The Mustache Rangers Appreciation Society. Here you can interact with other Mustache Rangers fans, and get updated whenever a Mustache Rangers performance is coming up.
You see? There is really no excuse for you to be ill informed. If you are ill informed, you have only your own obstinance to blame.
So get informed, drop us a line, and tell some of your friends about the Mustache Rangers. We are happiest when you are happy, if it makes us happy. If your happiness is unrelated to our happiness, then we don’t see why we should have to go around smiling. It is exhausting.