- With all the advancements in technology, you think they would have improved on the shower. But no, sentient slave water is the best we can do.
- You can try all the expensive waxes you like, but nothing beats star lard for styling your mustache.
- This Andromedian Milfoil is getting out of control.
- Universal healthcare is a joke. Why am I paying the medical costs for some bum in the Small Magellanic Cloud?
- You may think being “King of Planet ____” if a big deal, but they’re little more than a bathroom attendant to the Mustache Rangers. Except we don’t tip kings.
- Can’t sleep. Wish the Commander Major hadn’t stored his giant truck full of ventriloquist dummies in my room. And I wish that trunk were not bleeding and pulsating.
The Mustache Rangers Run Away: Episode 147
Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 11:36 — 10.6MB)
Sometime the best thing you can do with your problems is to run away from them. Do you believe that? You shouldn’t. You need to break the legs of your problems first, and then run away from them. Really? Modern science, people! You need to break the legs of your problems, destroy all of medical science, and then run away. Can you taste the freedom yet?
The Mustache Rangers have a podcast here for you to listen to. Listen to it.
Important Letters from an Important Commander Major: Sandwich
Dear Lucille,
Today was one of the more challenging days I’d had in quite some time. It seemed like I was getting it from all sides. Nothing I said or did could make anything better to anyone. No one was happy with me. Especially Phooneybaum, and even more especially, Computer. And even more especially than that, the especialliest, was myself. How was I to know that Phooneybaum had special plans for dinner? And how was I to know that the sandwich I made was going to turn out to be way better than the meal of turnips au poive he fussed over for 3 hours. He made it as a surprise, but didn’t tell me so of course I was going to make a sandwich. When you’re hungry, you’re hungry. I shouldn’t be punished for being hungry, should I? Well, I guess I punish people for being hungry. But I’m the Commander Major! That’s my job. My job is not to be punished for hunger. I don’t keep track of my hours of being punished for being hungry and expect to be paid for those hours. That’s ridiculous. And so is Phooneybaum. I changed my mind, I am not NOT happy with myself. I think I deserve another sandwich.
With some love,
THE Commander Major
Guests on Drinking with Ian
Now that this site is wide enough to display videos, we give you our interview and performance on Minnesota’s own talk show, Drinking with Ian. Enjoy!
Computer-pedia: Horse
The horse (animalus overratedus) is a thing with four legs and a head and a tail. It was invented in 5000 BCE by this guy that was real lonely and needed a friend. So he invented a horse, but he gave it too many legs and it ran away. He was real sad, so he made another horse but he put stripes on it so it would know it was his prisoner. That is how the zebra was invented. The zebra kicked him and killed him and then ran away.
Guys figured out how to climb trees in 4001 BCE, and by 4000 BCE they were jumping from trees on to horses. So the horses agreed not to be jerks anymore if people would stop jumping on them. The guys agreed, but kept jumping on horses. The jerk role had switched to guys instead of horses, and guymanity was on its way to greatness.
Guys eventually forgot how smart horses were, and started to use them mainly for jumping into pools from diving boards. One horse, named Clever Hans, knew how to do arithmetic. But when guys figured this out, the other horses were all like “dude, stop doing maths.” Then scientist guys said Hans was stupid and horses were free to get brushed and eat apples and sugar cubes.
Rocket horses eventually replaced the regular horse. Regular horses were made into rocket horse food.
Zebras are still on the lam.
(Photo by falcon1961)
Phooneybaum Phoughts: Space-Time 1.34.52.00.0.2
- Like the homes of childhood friends, every modern day space ship has a different smell to it. Except for ours. Our smells normal and all the others smell weird. What are their moms cooking?
- Found a cape on the kitchen floor this morning. Feel the Commander Major wants to be found out and confronted about his obsession, but not ready to have that conversation.
- Had that dream about pigeons pecking out my eyes again, except that my eyes were trumpets and the pigeons were Dizzy Gillespie. I think I’m sexually frustrated.
- Nothing worse than a pie in the laundry dryer. Cleaning the lint trap is hell.
- Sometimes I get lonely, but I feel better by realizing that everything everywhere is lonely. Especially trees that aren’t in a forest with their buddies.
- It gets confusing when I say “I’m going for a Space Wok.” Space Wok, please change the name of your establishment.
The Mustache Rangers Pool: Episode 146
Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 9:05 — 8.3MB)
Does anyone else skip 45 seconds into the Mustache Rangers podcast whenever they listen to it? Because we certainly do.
The Mustache Rangers argue a bit in this week’s podcast episode. That is certainly a shock to you, is it not? Enjoy!
New Design, New Developments
Welcome to the freshly redesigned Mustache Rangers website. Seriously. Welcome. Look in our eyes! Welcome! We mean it.
There are a few reasons for this reason. The first the lack of regular blog content. Sure, the podcast updates every Monday. But every post that came after that would push the current podcast episode down the page. Not any more! Expect more non-podcast fun on the site.
The second is space. As you can see, the site is much wider now. Just the right size for…video? That’s right. The Mustache Rangers and some local film makers are working on bringing the Mustache Rangers to the future of eye-looking-at media. We’ll keep you posted on developments as they come.
Third, it looks pretty awesome. Doesn’t it? It’s like we moved from the 1920s to the 1940s. Futuristic!
Fourthly, functionality. For example, look! There is a working archives page where you can listen to any past podcast! And in the upper right hand corner of the site? A search field that works! What did you do to deserve all of this?
And lastly, we’re dropping a bit of the facade. Sure, it was fun to pretend that we were actually the Mustache Rangers. But it’s awfully hard to promote yourself and your work when you’re being coy. So, the new ABOUT page will give some real information on who we are and what we do.
So yell it from the mountains. The Mustache Rangers are better than ever! Probably!
Phooneyboom: Podcast Episode 145
Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 9:13 — 8.4MB)
The Mustache Rangers know you better than you know yourself. For example, you hate sweet pickles and black licorice. And if you do say you like those things, you are not only fooling yourself but those around you as well. For shame.
The Mustache Rangers say a few things in this week’s podcast episode. Drink it in.
The Mustache Rangers Ship: Episode 144
Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 13:16 — 12.1MB)
It’s another adventure. What do you want from us?
Truck: Podcast Episode 143
Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 8:33 — 7.8MB)
The open road calls to many a young fool. The old fools do not exist because they exist as young dead fools rolled into a ditch by some murderous stranger. Stay in your basements, friends. It is the safest. Except for all the things in your basement that could kill you.
The Mustache Rangers imagine life on the open road in this podcast episode. Enjoy it as a podcast.
The Mustache Rangers Write a Zine: Episode 142
Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 10:56 — 10.0MB)
Some people think the future will be free of paper. The truth is, there will be more paper than you can image.
For example, try imagining some paper. Are you doing it? Okay, it’s more than that. I know, right?
The Mustache Rangers deal with a zine in this week’s podcast episode. Enjoy it in your sleep.
Distracted: Podcast Episode 141
Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 9:20 — 8.6MB)
Sometimes, the Mustache Rangers podcast is…hey! What’s that?
The Mustache Rangers Are Audited: Episode 140
Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 12:39 — 11.6MB)
Monies make the world and universe a very complex place to live. If atoms didn’t make up money, they would have no idea what to make of money. I think that was perfectly clear. Don’t ask any questions about that sentence please.
The Mustache Rangers have money issues in this week’s podcast adventure. Consume it whole.
Tie: Podcast Episode 139
Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 9:50 — 9.0MB)
All problems can be solved by talking about them. The winner talks the loudest and occasionally waves their hands. Use this trick in your next job negotiation. You will be respected.
The Mustache Rangers try and solve problems in this podcast episode. See if they succeed!
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