Give Up On Time Travel: Episode 259

The Mustache Rangers PodcastYou may love time travel movies, but they don’t make any sense. Don’t worry about it. Your brain and the writer’s brain are too dumb to make heads or tails of time travel. It’s the limitation of this biological sponge in our head. You fill a sponge with protein lines and jab it with electricity and expect it to understand the flow and obstruction of time? If you do, then your sponge could use some extra electricity to the front part of the sponge part.

Enjoy this week’s podcast, dummy.

Eat More: Podcast Episode 258

Mustache Rangers PodcastDiet fads come and go as surely as the tides and bell bottoms. You can say “bootcut” but you’re not fooling anybody, the Gap. But getting back to diets, everyone is looking for the quick fix. The superfood or the magic bacteria that will eat your insides, but just enough so that you look pretty and your bowel movements smell like a kitten’s dreams.

We’re here to tell you that the kitten bacteria doesn’t exist. The only way to properly manage your weight is with a calendar of some kind. One that berates you daily. It’ll say things like “how many doughnuts is that now” or “still putting off buying running shoes, huh?” If the calendar is correct about your laziness, you’ll feel bad and maybe make a change. If the calendar is wrong, you can feel better about yourself for being smarter than a calendar. Either way, improvements are made and you’ll start to feel better.

This is for poor people only, of course. For rich people, get someone to stab the fat out of you. We think it’s called “surgery” or “insurgency.” Those words probably mean the same thing, like “flammable” and “inflammable.” So get insurgency already.

Opinions: Podcast Episode 257

Mustache Rangers podcastOther people’s opinions are the topic of discussion in this Mustache Rangers podcast episode. Interesting fact. Did you know that everybody has an opinion? It’s true! Even babies are all, like, “what’s with all the light and the lack of amniotic fluid out here?” That was just translated with a baby translator, by the way. That’s probably why you haven’t heard about it in the news yet.

Some people say “opinions are like assholes, everyone has their finger in one.” Stay away from those sorts of people. They really know how to mess up a good saying. They’re probably mixing up that nursery rhyme about Little Jack Horner and that saying about opinions. At least, that’s our opinion on the mattter.

Holiday Cards: Podcast Episode 256

The Mustache Rangers PodcastCards, books, and money. Isn’t that really what the holidays are about? You receive cards that look good on your mantel until the year rolls over. You receive books that you’ll never read. Or you get a card full of money. Really, those are the only three options.

Sure, there may be a bike thrown in for good measure when you’re younger. But beyond that, even as a baby who can’t read you get books. Why all the books, adults? We know that rabbits are furry. Do we really need Pat the Bunny to tell us this? If you can’t tell from looking at it that bunnies are soft, then you’re in for a lifetime of hardships. Or soft ships.

You probably don’t want to use soft ships, or “rafts” as they are most commonly known. At least, not on the ocean. A raft is like a serving platter for sharks.

What were we talking about? Oh yeah, the podcast. Listen to the new podcast. It’s about the holidays, we think. And happy Terrance Day to you.

Go to Hell: Podcast Episode 255

Mustache Rangers PodcastHell and decorating are the topics of this Mustache Rangers podcast episode. More decorating than hell, but “go to decoration school” isn’t a very catchy podcast title. Maybe you have a better idea for a title. Well, you can shove it. We don’t want to hear it. Make your own damn podcast. Leave us along. Enjoy!

Andrew Zimmern: Podcast Episode 254

Mustache Rangers podcastAndrew Zimmern, host of Bizarre Foods and the Go Fork Yourself podcast, takes time out of his busy schedule to deliver some very urgent news to the Mustache Rangers. Will it be food related news? Yes. Sorry, spoiler alert.

You can see Andrew Zimmern live at HUGE Improv Theater, home of the Mustache Rangers, on December 10th at 8pm. You can find more information on seeing Andrew Zimmern or the Mustache Rangers on stage at hugetheater.com.

Secure: Podcast Episode 253

The Mustache Rangers PodcastSecurity cameras, Big Brother, and ghosts invade the personal space of the Mustache Rangers in this podcast episode. This is the episode that was actually recorded for Halloween. Whoops? Enjoy it anyway. Don’t worry, there is no candy involved. You won’t have to suspend your disbelief too much.

Get Political: Podcast Episode 252

Mustache Rangers PodcastA podcast about politics the day before a major election? It’s like we planned this or something.

Don’t worry. Your values won’t be challenged. It’s mostly talk about teeth and aspirations. You know, things you talk about every day. Anywho, enjoy this Mustache Rangers podcast episode.

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