The Mustache Rangers Podcast

Comedy | Sci-Fi | Improv

The Mustache Rangers Run Away: Episode 147

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Sometime the best thing you can do with your problems is to run away from them. Do you believe that? You shouldn’t. You need to break the legs of your problems first, and then run away from them. Really? Modern science, people! You need to break the legs of your problems, destroy all of medical science, and then run away. Can you taste the freedom yet?

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Important Letters from an Important Commander Major: Sandwich

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Dear Lucille,

Today was one of the more challenging days I’d had in quite some time. It seemed like I was getting it from all sides. Nothing I said or did could make anything better to anyone. No one was happy with me. Especially Phooneybaum, and even more especially, Computer. And even more especially than that, the especialliest, was myself. How was I to know that Phooneybaum had special plans for dinner? And how was I to know that the sandwich I made was going to turn out to be way better than the meal of turnips au poive he fussed over for 3 hours. He made it as a surprise, but didn’t tell me so of course I was going to make a sandwich. When you’re hungry, you’re hungry. I shouldn’t be punished for being hungry, should I? Well, I guess I punish people for being hungry. But I’m the Commander Major! That’s my job. My job is not to be punished for hunger. I don’t keep track of my hours of being punished for being hungry and expect to be paid for those hours. That’s ridiculous. And so is Phooneybaum. I changed my mind, I am not NOT happy with myself. I think I deserve another sandwich.

With some love,
THE Commander Major

Computer-pedia: Horse

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Special HorseThe horse (animalus overratedus) is a thing with four legs and a head and a tail. It was invented in 5000 BCE by this guy that was real lonely and needed a friend. So he invented a horse, but he gave it too many legs and it ran away. He was real sad, so he made another horse but he put stripes on it so it would know it was his prisoner. That is how the zebra was invented. The zebra kicked him and killed him and then ran away.

Guys figured out how to climb trees in 4001 BCE, and by 4000 BCE they were jumping from trees on to horses. So the horses agreed not to be jerks anymore if people would stop jumping on them. The guys agreed, but kept jumping on horses. The jerk role had switched to guys instead of horses, and guymanity was on its way to greatness.

Guys eventually forgot how smart horses were, and started to use them mainly for jumping into pools from diving boards. One horse, named Clever Hans, knew how to do arithmetic. But when guys figured this out, the other horses were all like “dude, stop doing maths.” Then scientist guys said Hans was stupid and horses were free to get brushed and eat apples and sugar cubes.

Rocket horses eventually replaced the regular horse. Regular horses were made into rocket horse food.

Zebras are still on the lam.

(Photo by falcon1961)

Phooneybaum Phoughts: Space-Time 1.34.52.00.0.2

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  • Like the homes of childhood friends, every modern day space ship has a different smell to it. Except for ours. Our smells normal and all the others smell weird. What are their moms cooking?
  • Found a cape on the kitchen floor this morning. Feel the Commander Major wants to be found out and confronted about his obsession, but not ready to have that conversation.
  • Had that dream about pigeons pecking out my eyes again, except that my eyes were trumpets and the pigeons were Dizzy Gillespie. I think I’m sexually frustrated.
  • Nothing worse than a pie in the laundry dryer. Cleaning the lint trap is hell.
  • Sometimes I get lonely, but I feel better by realizing that everything everywhere is lonely. Especially trees that aren’t in a forest with their buddies.
  • It gets confusing when I say “I’m going for a Space Wok.” Space Wok, please change the name of your establishment.