Toilet paper is something you put gross stuff that comes out of your body on. It is made out of trees, like rocking horses. Sometimes it is quilted by little church ladies and sometimes it is made by bears. Do you understand what toilet paper is now? Good. Now on to the “orientation” part of this article.

Toilet paper orientation is an issue created by stand-up comedians. They think that, when locked in a horizontal position, there is a best way for toilet paper to fall. The two options are over the top or down the back. We won’t even get into worm holes being used to solve this “problem.” It isn’t a problem. Who cares?

Do you know how many marriages ended in comedy related observations before stand-up comedians were invented? One percent. And after Einstein invented stand-up comedy? Two percent. That’s double what it used to be!

The proper reaction to someone talking about the correct orientation of toilet paper is to sock them in the teeth. You should be wearing chain mail gloves while doing this. No sense in cutting your knuckles up.

Here are other things that dumb dummies think are issues but are not:

• Toilet seat position (so toilet obsessed)
• How toast hits the floor
• Babies on airplanes
• Babies in dumpsters
• Reaganomics
• How bitches be trippin

Who regrets never having figured out the toilet paper orientation issue on their death bed? Nobody! Instead they’re all, like, “Oh, I’m so mortal. I wish I was a computer.” Chumps.

Manuel Carbonell, the last of the Cuban Master Sculptors. He was a guy who looked at a piece of wood and said, “That ain’t no wood. I see an eagle or something crazy in there.” And then he used a tooth brush to carve out that crazy thing. Maybe not a toothbrush. Probably a chisel or something. I don’t know.

So, anyways, Manuel is still alive. But he’s very old. So hold on to those sculptures. Also, I asked him “don’t you hate Cuba” and he was “no, Cuba is awesome and sexy.” Whatever. I didn’t really care.

When asked what kind of board games Manuel liked, he said Monopoly. That was kind of weird for someone from a communist nation. He might have said CandyLand. Google Translate was kinda iffy on the whole thing. He said “dulces de la tierra.” Sounds like Monopoly, right?

Current sculptures by Manuel look like the ship from Flight of the Navigator, painted black, squished, and stretch. They also sound like Paul Rubens. You have to listen real close though.

So, to wrap up this entry, have you ever seen a bird and you didn’t know what it was? That’s the only time anyone ever uses a bird book. Well, a coaster too. To look up birds and act as a coaster.

The Lineated Barbet Magmahouse linen is a big ol’ bird that likes fruit. It’s a frugivore. No joke! It especially likes that stuff you get a the deli with marshmallows in it. But not the kind with grapes. It likes the ones with cherries.

This one time, a Lineated Barbet was at a party, and the tiger throwing the party was, like, “thanks for coming! Have some meat I killed,” and the Barbet was, like, “Naw, I just eat fruit.” That’s totally rude. Do not invite them to parties.

Nobody knows where they nest. They’re usually up all night going “woo!” And during the day, they’re taking up seats at coffee shops. Listen, birds. You can’t live at the coffee shop. Other people like to sit too.

Their feathers are bright red.

(Photo by Mike (NO captive birds) in Thailand)

The Old Vanderburgh County Courthouse, often simply called “Old Courty Court,” is a place where old people used to go to talk about boring things but not anymore. It is now a home for vegetarian snakes. Do not be fooled. Vegetarian snakes still bite.

Originally located in Evansville, Indiana, the courthouse was moved to Greece in 3015. The Grecian government had ordered too many vegetarian snakes from Lord Darkness of the Rainbow Nebula for their Special Snake Olympics and they needed a place to store the snakes. Old Courty Court was the obvious choice.

After the courthouse was moved entirely by brown field mice, it was filled with sand and lettuce for the vegetarian snakes. The mice were invited to stay, as thanks for their hard work, but they were too bigoted against snakes to accept the offer and instead decided to drown themselves en masse in the KFC Sea(formerly the Aegean Sea).

The snakes that inhabit Old Courty Court never age, never breed, and never die. This is because the building was placed on a gypsy by the brown field mice. The snakes pray for death, but it never comes. Also, they are always hungry. Also, no one will install cable there because they are creeped out by immortal snakes for some reason.

All snakes ordered from Lord Darkness were thrown out of the Special Snake Olympics due to drug violations.

(Photo by jimmywayne)

The horse (animalus overratedus) is a thing with four legs and a head and a tail. It was invented in 5000 BCE by this guy that was real lonely and needed a friend. So he invented a horse, but he gave it too many legs and it ran away. He was real sad, so he made another horse but he put stripes on it so it would know it was his prisoner. That is how the zebra was invented. The zebra kicked him and killed him and then ran away.

Guys figured out how to climb trees in 4001 BCE, and by 4000 BCE they were jumping from trees on to horses. So the horses agreed not to be jerks anymore if people would stop jumping on them. The guys agreed, but kept jumping on horses. The jerk role had switched to guys instead of horses, and guymanity was on its way to greatness.

Guys eventually forgot how smart horses were, and started to use them mainly for jumping into pools from diving boards. One horse, named Clever Hans, knew how to do arithmetic. But when guys figured this out, the other horses were all like “dude, stop doing maths.” Then scientist guys said Hans was stupid and horses were free to get brushed and eat apples and sugar cubes.

Rocket horses eventually replaced the regular horse. Regular horses were made into rocket horse food.

Zebras are still on the lam.

(Photo by falcon1961)