Toilet paper is something you put gross stuff that comes out of your body on. It is made out of trees, like rocking horses. Sometimes it is quilted by little church ladies and sometimes it is made by bears. Do you understand what toilet paper is now? Good. Now on to the “orientation” part of this article.

Toilet paper orientation is an issue created by stand-up comedians. They think that, when locked in a horizontal position, there is a best way for toilet paper to fall. The two options are over the top or down the back. We won’t even get into worm holes being used to solve this “problem.” It isn’t a problem. Who cares?

Do you know how many marriages ended in comedy related observations before stand-up comedians were invented? One percent. And after Einstein invented stand-up comedy? Two percent. That’s double what it used to be!

The proper reaction to someone talking about the correct orientation of toilet paper is to sock them in the teeth. You should be wearing chain mail gloves while doing this. No sense in cutting your knuckles up.

Here are other things that dumb dummies think are issues but are not:

• Toilet seat position (so toilet obsessed)
• How toast hits the floor
• Babies on airplanes
• Babies in dumpsters
• Reaganomics
• How bitches be trippin

Who regrets never having figured out the toilet paper orientation issue on their death bed? Nobody! Instead they’re all, like, “Oh, I’m so mortal. I wish I was a computer.” Chumps.

Manuel Carbonell, the last of the Cuban Master Sculptors. He was a guy who looked at a piece of wood and said, “That ain’t no wood. I see an eagle or something crazy in there.” And then he used a tooth brush to carve out that crazy thing. Maybe not a toothbrush. Probably a chisel or something. I don’t know.

So, anyways, Manuel is still alive. But he’s very old. So hold on to those sculptures. Also, I asked him “don’t you hate Cuba” and he was “no, Cuba is awesome and sexy.” Whatever. I didn’t really care.

When asked what kind of board games Manuel liked, he said Monopoly. That was kind of weird for someone from a communist nation. He might have said CandyLand. Google Translate was kinda iffy on the whole thing. He said “dulces de la tierra.” Sounds like Monopoly, right?

Current sculptures by Manuel look like the ship from Flight of the Navigator, painted black, squished, and stretch. They also sound like Paul Rubens. You have to listen real close though.

So, to wrap up this entry, have you ever seen a bird and you didn’t know what it was? That’s the only time anyone ever uses a bird book. Well, a coaster too. To look up birds and act as a coaster.