The Mustache Rangers Podcast

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You may love time travel movies, but they don’t make any sense. Don’t worry about it. Your brain and the writer’s brain are too dumb to make heads or tails of time travel. It’s the limitation of this biological sponge in our head. You fill a sponge with protein lines and jab it with electricity and expect it to understand the flow and obstruction of time? If you do, then your sponge could use some extra electricity to the front part of the sponge part.

Enjoy this week’s podcast, dummy.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 10:51 — 7.5MB)

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Diet fads come and go as surely as the tides and bell bottoms. You can say “bootcut” but you’re not fooling anybody, the Gap. But getting back to diets, everyone is looking for the quick fix. The superfood or the magic bacteria that will eat your insides, but just enough so that you look pretty and your bowel movements smell like a kitten’s dreams.

We’re here to tell you that the kitten bacteria doesn’t exist. The only way to properly manage your weight is with a calendar of some kind. One that berates you daily. It’ll say things like “how many doughnuts is that now” or “still putting off buying running shoes, huh?” If the calendar is correct about your laziness, you’ll feel bad and maybe make a change. If the calendar is wrong, you can feel better about yourself for being smarter than a calendar. Either way, improvements are made and you’ll start to feel better.

This is for poor people only, of course. For rich people, get someone to stab the fat out of you. We think it’s called “surgery” or “insurgency.” Those words probably mean the same thing, like “flammable” and “inflammable.” So get insurgency already.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 9:15 — 6.4MB)

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Other people’s opinions are the topic of discussion in this Mustache Rangers podcast episode. Interesting fact. Did you know that everybody has an opinion? It’s true! Even babies are all, like, “what’s with all the light and the lack of amniotic fluid out here?” That was just translated with a baby translator, by the way. That’s probably why you haven’t heard about it in the news yet.

Some people say “opinions are like assholes, everyone has their finger in one.” Stay away from those sorts of people. They really know how to mess up a good saying. They’re probably mixing up that nursery rhyme about Little Jack Horner and that saying about opinions. At least, that’s our opinion on the mattter.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 9:06 — 6.3MB)

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Hell and decorating are the topics of this Mustache Rangers podcast episode. More decorating than hell, but “go to decoration school” isn’t a very catchy podcast title. Maybe you have a better idea for a title. Well, you can shove it. We don’t want to hear it. Make your own damn podcast. Leave us along. Enjoy!