Dear Lucille,

Today was one of the more challenging days I’d had in quite some time. It seemed like I was getting it from all sides. Nothing I said or did could make anything better to anyone. No one was happy with me. Especially Phooneybaum, and even more especially, Computer. And even more especially than that, the especialliest, was myself. How was I to know that Phooneybaum had special plans for dinner? And how was I to know that the sandwich I made was going to turn out to be way better than the meal of turnips au poive he fussed over for 3 hours. He made it as a surprise, but didn’t tell me so of course I was going to make a sandwich. When you’re hungry, you’re hungry. I shouldn’t be punished for being hungry, should I? Well, I guess I punish people for being hungry. But I’m the Commander Major! That’s my job. My job is not to be punished for hunger. I don’t keep track of my hours of being punished for being hungry and expect to be paid for those hours. That’s ridiculous. And so is Phooneybaum. I changed my mind, I am not NOT happy with myself. I think I deserve another sandwich.

With some love,
THE Commander Major

Now that this site is wide enough to display videos, we give you our interview and performance on Minnesota’s own talk show, Drinking with Ian. Enjoy!

The horse (animalus overratedus) is a thing with four legs and a head and a tail. It was invented in 5000 BCE by this guy that was real lonely and needed a friend. So he invented a horse, but he gave it too many legs and it ran away. He was real sad, so he made another horse but he put stripes on it so it would know it was his prisoner. That is how the zebra was invented. The zebra kicked him and killed him and then ran away.

Guys figured out how to climb trees in 4001 BCE, and by 4000 BCE they were jumping from trees on to horses. So the horses agreed not to be jerks anymore if people would stop jumping on them. The guys agreed, but kept jumping on horses. The jerk role had switched to guys instead of horses, and guymanity was on its way to greatness.

Guys eventually forgot how smart horses were, and started to use them mainly for jumping into pools from diving boards. One horse, named Clever Hans, knew how to do arithmetic. But when guys figured this out, the other horses were all like “dude, stop doing maths.” Then scientist guys said Hans was stupid and horses were free to get brushed and eat apples and sugar cubes.

Rocket horses eventually replaced the regular horse. Regular horses were made into rocket horse food.

Zebras are still on the lam.

(Photo by falcon1961)

• Like the homes of childhood friends, every modern day space ship has a different smell to it. Except for ours. Our smells normal and all the others smell weird. What are their moms cooking?
• Found a cape on the kitchen floor this morning. Feel the Commander Major wants to be found out and confronted about his obsession, but not ready to have that conversation.
• Had that dream about pigeons pecking out my eyes again, except that my eyes were trumpets and the pigeons were Dizzy Gillespie. I think I’m sexually frustrated.
• Nothing worse than a pie in the laundry dryer. Cleaning the lint trap is hell.
• Sometimes I get lonely, but I feel better by realizing that everything everywhere is lonely. Especially trees that aren’t in a forest with their buddies.
• It gets confusing when I say “I’m going for a Space Wok.” Space Wok, please change the name of your establishment.

Does anyone else skip 45 seconds into the Mustache Rangers podcast whenever they listen to it? Because we certainly do.

The Mustache Rangers argue a bit in this week’s podcast episode. That is certainly a shock to you, is it not? Enjoy!

Podcast: Download (Duration: 9:05 — 8.3MB)

Welcome to the freshly redesigned Mustache Rangers website. Seriously. Welcome. Look in our eyes! Welcome! We mean it.

There are a few reasons for this reason. The first the lack of regular blog content. Sure, the podcast updates every Monday. But every post that came after that would push the current podcast episode down the page. Not any more! Expect more non-podcast fun on the site.

The second is space. As you can see, the site is much wider now. Just the right size for…video? That’s right. The Mustache Rangers and some local film makers are working on bringing the Mustache Rangers to the future of eye-looking-at media. We’ll keep you posted on developments as they come.

Third, it looks pretty awesome. Doesn’t it? It’s like we moved from the 1920s to the 1940s. Futuristic!

Fourthly, functionality. For example, look! There is a working archives page where you can listen to any past podcast! And in the upper right hand corner of the site? A search field that works! What did you do to deserve all of this?

And lastly, we’re dropping a bit of the facade. Sure, it was fun to pretend that we were actually the Mustache Rangers. But it’s awfully hard to promote yourself and your work when you’re being coy. So, the new ABOUT page will give some real information on who we are and what we do.

So yell it from the mountains. The Mustache Rangers are better than ever! Probably!

The Mustache Rangers know you better than you know yourself. For example, you has sweet pickles and black licorice. And if you do say you like those things, you are not only fooling yourself but those around you as well. For shame.

The Mustache Rangers say a few things in this week’s podcast episode. Drink it in.

Podcast: Download (Duration: 9:13 — 8.4MB)

It’s another adventure. What do you want from us?

Podcast: Download (Duration: 13:16 — 12.1MB)