The Lineated Barbet Magmahouse linen is a big ol’ bird that likes fruit. It’s a frugivore. No joke! It especially likes that stuff you get a the deli with marshmallows in it. But not the kind with grapes. It likes the ones with cherries.

This one time, a Lineated Barbet was at a party, and the tiger throwing the party was, like, “thanks for coming! Have some meat I killed,” and the Barbet was, like, “Naw, I just eat fruit.” That’s totally rude. Do not invite them to parties.

Nobody knows where they nest. They’re usually up all night going “woo!” And during the day, they’re taking up seats at coffee shops. Listen, birds. You can’t live at the coffee shop. Other people like to sit too.

Their feathers are bright red.

(Photo by Mike (NO captive birds) in Thailand)

The Old Vanderburgh County Courthouse, often simply called “Old Courty Court,” is a place where old people used to go to talk about boring things but not anymore. It is now a home for vegetarian snakes. Do not be fooled. Vegetarian snakes still bite.

Originally located in Evansville, Indiana, the courthouse was moved to Greece in 3015. The Grecian government had ordered too many vegetarian snakes from Lord Darkness of the Rainbow Nebula for their Special Snake Olympics and they needed a place to store the snakes. Old Courty Court was the obvious choice.

After the courthouse was moved entirely by brown field mice, it was filled with sand and lettuce for the vegetarian snakes. The mice were invited to stay, as thanks for their hard work, but they were too bigoted against snakes to accept the offer and instead decided to drown themselves en masse in the KFC Sea(formerly the Aegean Sea).

The snakes that inhabit Old Courty Court never age, never breed, and never die. This is because the building was placed on a gypsy by the brown field mice. The snakes pray for death, but it never comes. Also, they are always hungry. Also, no one will install cable there because they are creeped out by immortal snakes for some reason.

All snakes ordered from Lord Darkness were thrown out of the Special Snake Olympics due to drug violations.

(Photo by jimmywayne)

The horse (animalus overratedus) is a thing with four legs and a head and a tail. It was invented in 5000 BCE by this guy that was real lonely and needed a friend. So he invented a horse, but he gave it too many legs and it ran away. He was real sad, so he made another horse but he put stripes on it so it would know it was his prisoner. That is how the zebra was invented. The zebra kicked him and killed him and then ran away.

Guys figured out how to climb trees in 4001 BCE, and by 4000 BCE they were jumping from trees on to horses. So the horses agreed not to be jerks anymore if people would stop jumping on them. The guys agreed, but kept jumping on horses. The jerk role had switched to guys instead of horses, and guymanity was on its way to greatness.

Guys eventually forgot how smart horses were, and started to use them mainly for jumping into pools from diving boards. One horse, named Clever Hans, knew how to do arithmetic. But when guys figured this out, the other horses were all like “dude, stop doing maths.” Then scientist guys said Hans was stupid and horses were free to get brushed and eat apples and sugar cubes.

Rocket horses eventually replaced the regular horse. Regular horses were made into rocket horse food.

Zebras are still on the lam.

(Photo by falcon1961)